I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
