I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
