do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
