false alarm. still invincible.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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