I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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