Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
