You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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