Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
