I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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