It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Randomize
