I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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