Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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