I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
