I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
