my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
