If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I can't turn off my feet"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
