My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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