So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
