Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
