moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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