this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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