He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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