I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
