right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
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Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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