i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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