The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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