If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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