Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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