I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Sorry about my life...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
