my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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