After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
