she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she woke up with a sticky ear
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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