He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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