hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
