I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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