bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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