She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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