On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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