I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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