Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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