Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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