I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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