I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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