I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
