Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
