Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
