Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
