we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The air was thick with penises
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
