does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My life is pants optional.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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