I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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