Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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