Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
