she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
