If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
