and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
