I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
