grandma shit on top of the toilet
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
