Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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